His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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