Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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