you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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