Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
