All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
