I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I think my moral compass just broke
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
