I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
