This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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