dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
