You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
