Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
