I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
