You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
