ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
