im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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