Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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