This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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