I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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