she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize