It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
