He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
