also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
