mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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