ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
