she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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