can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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