Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
