I didn't shave. On purpose
I want to walk on stilts...naked
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
