he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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