this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
