my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
