I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
