Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Randomize
