I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
