I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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