I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize