you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
