He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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