I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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