My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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