yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
