Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
