Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
