I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
