i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
