Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
