i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
