please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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