I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
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In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
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I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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