Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
