ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
