Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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