I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
pray to the hookup gods
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
