you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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