If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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