How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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