Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
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The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't put those talents on a resume
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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